Melbourne’s favourite bar-cum-mini-golf course, Holey Moleyhas had a ball of a makeover, with nine new holes to play and a total revamp downstairs. We donned our golfing best and had a crack, and here’s what we learnt.
What it is: Much like the daredevil himself, your ball has to jump through two hoops of flame and six buses to achieve a hole in one. The more buses you jump before falling to earth, the closer to the hole you’ll be.
What would Tiger do? Just whack it in a straight line, pretty hard. A good hard whack will give you a straight shot over the buses and through the hoops to hole-in-one glory.
These Pretzels are Making Me Thirstee
What it is: A pretzel-shaped course, with two ramps leading up and around to the hole in the centre. It’s easy to get lost in the twists and turns, and if you don’t get your ball all the way up the ramp you’ll end up where you started.
What would Tiger do? Gentle control is the name of the game here. You don’t need particularly good aim, but hit it with a bit of force up one of the ramps. You can go either direction – all roads lead to the hole.
Zappy Go Larry
What it is: This is a real-life version of the game Operation, with the goal to get the ball into one of the holes in poor Larry’s body. Once it falls into one of Larry’s missing organs, it will spit out at the lower level near the hole. From there it’s a simple tap or two to finish up.
What would Tiger do? The Operation concept is fun, but it probably isn’t your best bet in terms of accuracy. If you hit it hard enough, the ball will roll over Larry entirely, ending up at the lower level without the rigmarole of Larry’s liver. We’re tipping Tiger would give that a crack.
What it is: This Back to the Future-themed hole is probably our favourite, because, well Back to the Future. You hit your ball up into the Delorean (with proper ‘OUTTATIME’ licence plate), and it works its way around inside for a while. Then it pops out in 1955 and you have to not make out with your own mum.
What would Tiger do? The hoverboards in the way make this one pretty tricky. Keep your fingers crossed you avoid the hoverboards when your ball comes out of the tailpipe, but if you get stuck, don’t panic. A bit of care and some careful aim and where you’re going you won’t need roads.
The Ass Hole
What it is: This hole promises to Make Mini Golf Great Again and features Donald Trump’s screaming face on a donkey’s arse. You hit your ball through a hole in the fence, around the donkey’s legs and into the hole. Rude gestures at the Trump face optional.
What would Tiger do? Tiger would probably not do what we did, which is get very stuck in all those legs. We’re tipping he has better aim, and as Woods has played a round with the Donald recently, he probably would not be distracted by rage and thus able to carefully plot a route to glory.
Ferris Wheeler’s Day Off
What it is: A big old Ferris wheel in the middle of the course looks like it could really give you some grief here. The aim is to putt up a ramp into a castle, dodge the wheel, and come out the other side. The wheel looks pretty cool, but we’d honestly love a bit more Bueller, Bueller in this one.
What would Tiger do? The wheel looks daunting, but it actually seems unlikely to knock you too far off course. Just putt your ball gently up the ramp and let the castle work its magic. We don’t mean to brag, but two of our party actually got a hole in one on this course – and in case you hadn’t figured this out by now, we are not actually very good at mini golf.
Feelin’ Ducky Punk
What it is: A fiendish carnival game that seems more about making children cry than golf, Feelin’ Ducky Punk was the most frustrating hole. The aim is to whack your ball up a ramp and at one of the ducks, pins or target. It will fall into the game and come shooting out in one of four trays, each marked with your score. But getting the right amount of whack to make it hit but not bounce off was nearly impossible.
What would Tiger do? Realtalk: Tiger would take his putter and ball and go home. He’s a professional golfer, ferchrissakes, not a carnie.
Friday Night Footee
What it is: This hole is a mini-footy pitch, with more or less the same objective. Get a ball through the posts, and a goal will set you up nicely for the final shot into the hole. Get a behind, and you’ll have to work a little harder to knock it into place. Miss entirely, and you’ve got a hard slog ahead of you. No points for marks or speccies, and watch where you tackle.
What would Tiger do? Obviously, Tiger would get a goal straight away. No chewie on those boots.
What it is: You knock your ball up the ramp, into the clown’s mouth. It will come out the side and land in the hole. If you miss the clown’s mouth, though, you can muck around getting it in and around pins with the same net result – but with crucial wasted strokes.
What would Tiger do? Steady and sure as an oak in a rough wind, Tiger would hit it straight up the ramp. Eat that, John Wayne Gacy.